The Zelator's Guide to the Gastral Intestinal Enlightenment of the Sages of Las Vegas
Categories: Humor, Offtopic
By Frater Fuckyou Poop LookICanCuss (i.e. me)
This being the directions of a certain enlightened sage, who was picked in the desert, dried, and sold to a hippy named Frank Rainbow, who burned him in his VW bus to mask the smell of ganga. This ritual will guide you, the neophyte, into the shamanic world of the triple bacon cheeseburger, and imbue with the sacred vision called "television". From there, you will take a fabulus vacation to the Virgin Islands, care of General Motors.
To perform this ritual you will need ALL of the following items. This operation can not be performed without EACH and EVERY ONE OF THESE iTEMs. The items are a comb, the June 1964 issue of Playboy, a roll of scotch tape, a knick knack patty whack, give a dog a boner, and an anal ander an. If any of these items cannot be acquired they may be substituted with whatever you want or nothing at all (which is really the same thing anyway, isn't it, you fucking cheap ass motherfucker!)
Now for the actual operation:
1) Make an incision below the left ribcage. Left is referring to their left, but from your prospective, so that in actuality it is your right. This is then reversed so that it is actually your left, which the Esoteric Order of the Secret Mysteries of Matlock called right, which is actually wrong. You fucking idiot, you cut the wrong side.
2) The next step is to goto jail. Dressing up in a doctors uniform and subsituting yourself for an actual surgeon and then cutting someone with a scapel is fucking insane. What the fuck were you thinking? When in jail however, simply call the guard over. Let him know that you are actually part of this secret order, the Order of Fries on the Side. The guard will pretend to look confused. It is at this point THAT YUO MUST, and I repeat, THAT YUO MUST, and I repeat again, THAT YUO MUST grab his hand and give him the secret handshake. The secret handshake is to rub your hand seductively up and down his arm while saying the password "I'll give you a blow job if you let me out of jail." The handshake in turn is greated with the sacred nightstick, which is ritually applied to head several violent times. Do not be alarmed at this, it is simply part of the right.
2) The next step is to be sent back to the hospital for your injuries to your head your. This is a very symbolic part of the rite in that it represents the archetype of getting your ass kicked for homoerotic behavior to prison guards. One cannot help but draw a parrell between this, and Johnny Carson from the Tonight Show.
2) The final step to enlightement is to become that which you can never become. I know it sounds hard, but hey, you're a fucking idiot anyway, so why not? Now, is the time of awaiting. You must wait for the next "person" to perform the ritual on you, thus completing the viscious tri-cycle. When the time comes you will hopefully be initiated into the next Grade... 2nd Grade. All you must do is await the next fucking fucker to fucking come and fucking cut you and shit, motherfuck, like you did to the last fucking fuck.
6) Unfortunately, no one else has ever read this though (i.e. you're fucked.) In which case a real surgeon may cum, and he may have to wipe it off his hands.
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By Frater Fuckyou Poop LookICanCuss (i.e. me)
This being the directions of a certain enlightened sage, who was picked in the desert, dried, and sold to a hippy named Frank Rainbow, who burned him in his VW bus to mask the smell of ganga. This ritual will guide you, the neophyte, into the shamanic world of the triple bacon cheeseburger, and imbue with the sacred vision called "television". From there, you will take a fabulus vacation to the Virgin Islands, care of General Motors.
To perform this ritual you will need ALL of the following items. This operation can not be performed without EACH and EVERY ONE OF THESE iTEMs. The items are a comb, the June 1964 issue of Playboy, a roll of scotch tape, a knick knack patty whack, give a dog a boner, and an anal ander an. If any of these items cannot be acquired they may be substituted with whatever you want or nothing at all (which is really the same thing anyway, isn't it, you fucking cheap ass motherfucker!)
Now for the actual operation:
1) Make an incision below the left ribcage. Left is referring to their left, but from your prospective, so that in actuality it is your right. This is then reversed so that it is actually your left, which the Esoteric Order of the Secret Mysteries of Matlock called right, which is actually wrong. You fucking idiot, you cut the wrong side.
2) The next step is to goto jail. Dressing up in a doctors uniform and subsituting yourself for an actual surgeon and then cutting someone with a scapel is fucking insane. What the fuck were you thinking? When in jail however, simply call the guard over. Let him know that you are actually part of this secret order, the Order of Fries on the Side. The guard will pretend to look confused. It is at this point THAT YUO MUST, and I repeat, THAT YUO MUST, and I repeat again, THAT YUO MUST grab his hand and give him the secret handshake. The secret handshake is to rub your hand seductively up and down his arm while saying the password "I'll give you a blow job if you let me out of jail." The handshake in turn is greated with the sacred nightstick, which is ritually applied to head several violent times. Do not be alarmed at this, it is simply part of the right.
2) The next step is to be sent back to the hospital for your injuries to your head your. This is a very symbolic part of the rite in that it represents the archetype of getting your ass kicked for homoerotic behavior to prison guards. One cannot help but draw a parrell between this, and Johnny Carson from the Tonight Show.
2) The final step to enlightement is to become that which you can never become. I know it sounds hard, but hey, you're a fucking idiot anyway, so why not? Now, is the time of awaiting. You must wait for the next "person" to perform the ritual on you, thus completing the viscious tri-cycle. When the time comes you will hopefully be initiated into the next Grade... 2nd Grade. All you must do is await the next fucking fucker to fucking come and fucking cut you and shit, motherfuck, like you did to the last fucking fuck.
6) Unfortunately, no one else has ever read this though (i.e. you're fucked.) In which case a real surgeon may cum, and he may have to wipe it off his hands.
posted by Jeff Quindlen at
11/16/2023 01:03:00 AM
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1 comments
